My Love, My Torment
by Karalena Cullen
Summary: This is a reloaded story that was edited.  Summary: Lex is desperate for the truth.


My Love, My Torment

By: Kara Cullen

Rated: NC-17

WARNING: Slash, as in two men having sexual relations. If this isn't your cuppa' tea, don't read.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters, nor do I get paid for the crap that I write.

SUMMARY: Lex is desperate for the truth.

I sit on the edge of a bed in a cheap motel room located in seedier side of Metropolis. It is a humid night in late July and the air smells of stale cigars, cheap whiskey, and something else that I don't quite want to think about.

I pour myself another brandy into a small, plastic motel cup, and throw it down my throat. I feel the warmth of the liquor burning down my chest, hitting the bottom of my stomach heavily, scorching. I don't have to look at the near empty bottle to know that I've already had more than is reasonable. It has been a long time since I have been completely off my face, inebriated. It has been years since I've allowed myself to completely surrender to such a vulnerable state. The way I see it, I'm far enough away from Lionel, far enough away from responsibility, and it has been a long time, I figure, I'm entitled.

Why am I drinking to excess? I'd like to think that I blame Clark. Clark with his beautiful green eyes that I'm certain have the power to penetrate my careful mask and see directly into my secret dark reality. Clark and his rock hard, perfectly sculpted body that fill my head with all sorts of impure thoughts and desires. And worst of all Clark's plump, virginal lips that seem to ignite such desperate longing, such lustful appetites that I have begun to fear the possibility of losing control. And a Luthor is always in control.

Yes, I have spent many restless nights thinking about Clark. Some nights I allow myself the pleasure of fantasizing about Clark's moist lips pressed against my own, Clark's sweaty body entangled with mine. What might Clark taste like? What would those large hands feel like wrapped around my...NO.

I no longer bother with the dinky plastic cup and I just dump the last of the brandy down my throat and throw the empty bottle in the general direction of a small wastebasket. I miss the wastebasket completely and the bottle smashes into and breaks the television set. Shit.

I rise from the bed and stumble over to my single suitcase lying on the floor in a corner. I rummage through the case looking for another bottle, but my search is in vain, I only packed the one bottle.

I kick out at my suitcase in frustration, but I lose my balance and I almost fall onto my little, billionaire ass. My head is spinning and I realize that perhaps it's best that there isn't anymore brandy. So I make my way slowly, and only a little unsteadily, to the bed. "Clark Kent, you were born to be my torment." My voice is low, raspy, and sounds strange in my ears.

"I want you, I love you, I need you, I hate you." A soft growl rumbles from my throat as I shut my eyes tight and try to force Clark from my mind. It's no use. He's still there. He is always there. Clark and the way he stares at me in that special way when he doesn't think I'm looking. Clark and his loyalty, his friendship, the only friend that I have ever really had. Clark, and his secrets. Clark, and his lies.

Yes, I know Clark's big secret. I know that he has special abilities. And I know that he isn't from Smallville. I even have discovered with all of my relentless spying what his weaknesses are. And I have been waiting patiently for him to come clean and tell me the truth. I have given him so many opportunities to confide in me, his 'best friend'. But all that ever seem to pass through those gorgeous lips are lies and excuses. And it hurts. It hurts that much more because I love him so much. Yes, I love him, I've never loved anyone else as much as I do him. Of course I loved my mother, but that was a much different kind of love. I even thought I loved my father once, but it was in vain. I know better know, all too well.

It hurts so fucking much. I know that it must hurt Clark too, sometimes I can see it in his eyes. "Why can't you just trust me Clark?"

I just want something that I've never really had... love. But Clark's secrets and lies keep getting in the way of that. And that is why I'm here tonight. I have a plan, and I'm determined to bring the truth out of Clark once and for all, or die trying. I think I have figured out a way to test not only Clark's abilities and bring them out into the open, but also a way to find out whether or not Clark really cares about me as much as I think he does.

Sure, I have seen Clark in action many, many times, and I have absolutely no doubt of what he is capable of. What I do doubt, however, are Clark's true feelings for me. Does he feel the same aching, longing. The same need to touch, to kiss, to love? Sure he has saved me many times, but maybe that's just because that's the way he is. He is nothing if not an overgrown boy scout with a hero complex.

I need to know the truth, and if the truth is that Clark would rather keep his abilities a secret than save me, than maybe I don't want to live in a world so cruel.

It's taken a full bottle of liquor for me to find the courage, or maybe just the stupidity, to do what I am about to do next.

I sit up slowly and reach into the drawer of the bedside table. My resolve may be steady, but my pale hand is shaking. I take the .45 out of the drawer and check to see that it's loaded. Satisfied, I pull my cell phone out of my jacket pocket and dial the number to the Kent Farm, I know it by heart.

A sleepy Clark answers by the second ring, "Hello?"

I am surprised to hear Clark's voice so suddenly, and I'm unable to respond immediately. I don't really know why I'm so surprised, after all, Clark is the person I was trying to reach.

"Hello?" Clark asks into the phone again. Then he drops his voice to a whisper, "Lana?"

My heart sinks, but I still manage to croak out, "No."

"Lex!" I can hear the puzzlement in his voice.

"Yes."

"Lex, what are you...I mean why are... it's two thirty in the morning." When I don't respond, his voice takes on a note of panic, "Are you alright? What's wrong? Where are you?"

Silence. I can't seem to make my voice work.

"Lex?" My heart picks up a beat and the phone is slipping from my sweaty palm. 'What was I supposed to say? I can't do this...' Clark is in full out panic and he practically screams into the phone, "LEX!"

"Clark, I..." I stop and try to control the panic in my own voice, "No."

"No, what?"

"No. No, I'm not alright Clark, I... I'm not fucking

alright, I'm far from being alright."

"Lex, have you been drinking?"

I take a couple of deep breaths to steady my voice before answering, he knows me so well, "Clark, I did not call you so that we could discuss my drinking habits."

The younger man sighs into the phone and asks, "Then why did you call?"

"You asked me if I was alright, and the truth is that I'm not alright. I'm sitting in a cheap hotel room, halfway across the world in Bordeaux, France, drunk out of my head, and holding a goddamned gun up to my chin, praying for a reason, any reason at all why I shouldn't pull the trigger." I am practically screaming into the phone now, but I don't care anymore. "So I called the only person I could think of who might possibly be able to give me one little reason why I shouldn't blow my fucking brains out right fucking now!" I cock the gun and push the barrel hard into the flesh under my chin.

"Don't! Please Lex, please..."

"Goodbye Clark."

"Wait, Lex, don't." His beautiful voice is breaking with what I think might be panic and tears. "Where are you?"

I tell him precisely where I am. My plan seems to be working just as I had imagined. Before I hang up the phone I whisper out, "Goodbye, Clark."

I know that Clark is fast, but I doubt that even Clark can make it over one thousand miles in less then a few seconds. So to give him some time, I hold my breath and begin to count silently to myself. But as I get up to fifty, eighty, one hundred and ten, I begin to doubt that he is coming. "He doesn't care." One hundred and twenty three. He's not going to come,' twenty five, 'Clark doesn't care,' twenty seven, 'nobody cares.'

I press down on the trigger and the gun goes off with a loud, ear shattering, 'BANG'

It takes me a moment to realize that I'm not dead. And it takes me a few more moments to realize that I'm being held very tightly in strong arms. Clark is holding me and slowly rocking me.

When the ringing starts to quiet, I realize that Clark is whispering something, "Why? God, Lex, why?" No, he isn't whispering, he's crying. And I feel a hot tear leak from my eye as I'm bombarded with such pain, such self loathing, knowing that I'm the reason that my love is crying. I made Clark cry. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so selfish? And how could I have ever doubted the realness of the feelings that we share.

I push myself away and look up into my beloved's eyes. Pain...anger...fear...and... something... else. I can't bear to look him in the eye, I feel so ashamed. "Clark I..." my voice cracks, "I'm sorry... I'm so, sorry.

A little laugh escapes from Clark's lips. A harsh, and bitter laughter which erupts into anger and he turns away from me and brings his fists down on top of the desk on the other side of the room, shattering it into kindling. "Sorry? You're sorry?" He is shouting, tears are streaming down his face, "Goddamn it Lex! Don't you know how much I fucking LOVE YOU?"

He rushes back to hold him in his arms again. Sobbing he says, "Why, Lex? Why would you do this to me? I love you, GOOD GOD, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

And now I'm crying too, Ican feel hot tears raining down my face. "Clark, I..." Filled with so many different emotions my words stick in my throat. And then I feel soft, firm lips pressing against my mouth. 'Oh, sweet god in heaven, Clark, is kissing me!' Oh how I've dreamed of this moment, but I've never dared to hope that it would ever actually be possible, but here it is.

Clark's kiss is desperate and hungry, his tongue taking possession of my mouth eliciting a soft moan from my throat. His hands find their way underneath my silk shirt, his big palms soft, and warm on my back. I can feel him growing hard between us. I grab hold of his ass and pull him in closer, causing him to whimper my name. Clark's tongue hot in my mouth and suddenly… my shirt is ripped from my body by one lightning quick movement.

Clark is standing on the other side of the room, and I'm confused and heaving for breath. "Clark?"

Green eyes look over at me from beneath thick, black lashes, "I'm sorry, Lex." He runs unsteady fingers through his dark, tangled locks. His face bright red, and I realize that he's embarrassed.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Clark."

"Yes there is. You're vulnerable right now and the last thing you probably need is a clumsy alien trying to take advantage of you." He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at his feet. "I just think that maybe you should know the truth about me before we... before..."

My head spins from Clark's sudden change. 'Isn't this the same person who just a few seconds ago was kissing me?' Now, suddenly he's back to being a shy, awkward farm boy. I take a few steadying breaths before speaking, "Clark, I already know that you're...different."

Clark dares a glance up at me and then quickly looks back down to his feet. "I'm not this way because of the meteor rocks Lex, I was...born this way."

"I know."

Clark looks up at me, surprise, disbelief, and even hope, written on his face. "You...know?"

"Yes."

"How long have you known?"

I cross the room and fold Clark into my arms. "I've known for a very long time. I've just been waiting for you to trust me enough to tell me yourself."

"I do trust you Lex, I just..."

"I know, Clark."

"I wanted to tell you."

I brush my lips over his.

"Lex, it doesn't freak you out?"

I step back to look at him. Now that Clark's finally being open and honest, guilt's beginning to stab at me deeply. "Clark, I need to confess something. You're being honest with me, the least I can do is come clean to you. I don't want there to be anymore lies or secrets between us." Clark looks at him curiously but remains silent, so he continues, "I planned this whole thing just to force you to show your hand."

Disgust and anger are written in Clark's piercing eyes, "So you were never actually going to kill yourself? You just used me? Knowing how much I care about you, you set this whole thing up just to expose me?" He slumps down into a small, wooden chair and puts his head in his hands. "How could you?"

I walk across the room and put my hand on the back of Clark's neck.

"Don't fucking touch me." Clark snaps.

"Clark, please, let me explain."

"I think you've explained enough." Rising from his seat to leave.

I catch hold of his hand and look pleadingly up into his face, tears stinging my eyes "Clark, that wasn't the only reason I did it. I was serious about killing myself! I needed to know that somebody cared. I needed to know that you cared! And if you hadn't cared enough to expose yourself to me in order to save me...if you didn't care..." I'm full out sobbing, "well if you didn't care...the one person in this world that matters most to me...that I love so much...well then there would be no reason for me to live! Please forgive me Clark! Please!"

"And what if I hadn't gotten here in time, what if I

hadn't been fast enough? You would be dead right now?" Clark pulls me hard against his chest and squeezes tight. "How could you do that to me?" Tears are streaming down his red cheeks. "Lex, how could I go on living without you, and knowing that I wasn't quick enough to save you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...I..." I'm choking on sobs, "It was stupid, I was stupid...I just...I needed to know Clark...I needed to know that someone...that you...cared. I guess I was so desperate that I didn't even think. I'm sorry. Please, Clark, please, forgive me."

Clark's mouth comes down to find my lips, and once our sobs quiet he pulls away and looks at me with pained eyes. "You scared me, I thought that I'd lost you."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too, Lex. If I had just been honest with you. If I had just had the courage to tell you the truth about myself and about how I feel about you, none of this would have happened. No more secrets?"

"No more secrets."

Our mouths find each other and we fall into one another until we're both panting and frantic. I start to unbutton Clark's shirt with trembling fingers. "I want to make love to you Clark." Once Clark's shirt is off and thrown to the floor, my wet tongue and mouth began licking and suckling Clark's hardened nipples, sending the younger man into fits of ecstacy that he'd never known he was capable of before.

Clark scoops me up into his arms and carries me over to the bed. He lays down next to me and leans in for a kiss. His mouth is hard and wet and determined to devour all of me and make me his own. I reach down to undo Clark's jeans. I can feel how hard he is beneath the denim, but before I'm finished with the zipper, Clark's hand reaches down and stops me.

"Lex, I've...um...I've never done this...before." His cheeks flush crimson, and his eyes are wide.

"You don't have to. I can stop." I start to pull my hand back, but Clark holds it where it is.

"No. I want to, I just...I just thought you should know that I'm...uh..." He can't get the rest of the sentence out. Instead he looks down as though embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for it Clark, I mean, so you've never been with a guy before, it's nothing to be ashamed of." I bring Clark's hand up to my mouth and suck one of his fingers into my mouth.

Clark moans quietly, enjoying what my tongue is doing to his finger and no doubt imagining what my mouth could do on other parts of his anatomy. "Um...Lex?"

"Hmm?"

"I've never..." moan, "I've never...been with a man, or a...or a woman, before."

This genuinely surprises me. I give Clark's fingertip a gentle nibble before looking up at him, "You and Lana never..."

"No."

"Oh." I have to think about this.

"Lex?"

"Hmm?"

"Is that a problem?"

I look up at him and see worry distorting his beautiful face, "No. No, I was just...It's just...are you sure that this is what you want, that...I'm what you want?"

Clark pulls his pants and boxer shorts off exposing his hard, pulsing cock standing straight up. "I think I'm pretty sure, Lex."

I reach down and encircle his cock in my hand and slowly began to pump, up and down. Clark gasps with pleasure. "Oh god, Lex."

I kiss him on the lips before making my way down, and then I take Clark's big cock into my mouth and suck on it like an ice cream cone, taking in the rich, musty flavour that is Clark Kent. Clark moan and arches his back as I lick up and down his shaft, moistening, lubricating, and then I plunge myself all the way down, taking Clark deep into the back of my throat. Clark clutches hold of the sheets and tears them in two when I begin humming and bobbing my head up and down, swallowing him all the way down into the tightness of my throat and then coming back up.

As I pull my mouth back up to the tip of his cock, Clark grabs onto me and pulls me up for a kiss. Clark lets out a low, gutteral moan as he reaches down to pull my pants off. He takes hold of my cock and gives it a squeeze, careful not to squeeze too hard. My hips thrust into Clark's hand eagerly, wanting more.

Clark rolls over onto his back, bringing me over on top of him. He spreads his legs, and arches his back, "I want you inside me Lex."

I look up at Clark, "Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"I'm sure. I've never been more sure of anything. Take me Lex. Take all of me. Make me yours."

I swallow hard and lick my suddenly dry lips, "Alright, turn over and raise yourself up onto all fours. It will be easier for you in this position."

Clark does as instructed and I sit on my knees behind him. I spread Clark's cheeks apart with one hand, and lick one finger on the other. At first I tease Clark's open hole with my moistened finger, rubbing gently around in circles. Clark's moans are encouraging so I slowly began to slide one finger inside. I hear Clark's breath catch in his throat, and I tell him to relax. Once my finger is all the way in, I slowly begin to pull it back out. Clark shoves his face into the overstuffed pillows as I began working my finger slowly in and out, opening it up. I had always assumed that sex with Clark would be good, but this...this is way better than expected. The feel of his tight, hot hole holding onto my finger and squeezing and the frantic moaning that my ministrations are illiciting from Clark have me aching and throbbing. I need him...now. I can't wait one more minute. I pull my finger out slowly and I take hold of throbbing member. I pump once, twice squeazing clear drops of precome from the head of my swollen purple cock. I rub head of it in circles around Clark's hole, causing him to moan into his pillows. "Are you ready for me Clark?" My voice is husky and sounds strange to me.

"Yes. Oh god yes."

I position my cock over Clark's hole and begin to push ever so slightly against the opening. As much as I would love to ram full in to the hilt, I hesitate. "Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Clark lifts his head from the pillows and through gritted teeth hisses, "Yes." And he pushes his ass back hard and I feel myself enter him. I cry out in surprise and at the overwhelming pleasure. Clark cries out in pain.

I freeze where I am, not wanting to pull out and damage him anymore. I lay my head over his broad back and reach out to run my fingers through his sweat damp locks. "Are you alright?"

Clark is whimpering into the pillows. Oh God...no...I've hurt him. I don't want his pain. True in the past nothing's gotten me off quicker or harder than dishing out pain to my lovers, their cries of agony sending me over the edge. But that was different. Those people wanted the pain as much as I wanted to give it. And this is Clark. Not just some random fuck...but...Clark. "We can stop, it's okay."

But Clark lifts his head up, his voice hoarse and breathless, "I'm fine, just please Lex...God, just fuck me!" His ass slams the rest of the way onto my cock and the force nearly knocks me over. I take hold of his hips and hold him steady as I pull back and out of him, then back into him again and again. Sweet God in heaven I can't believe this is happening! Clark is panting and writhing beneath me, his fingers digging into the sheets, and with each thrust of my hips, his ass slams up to meet me. "God Lex! Oh God, yes!"

All of my prior reservations are lost to me now. My entire world, my entire reality is this beautiful, bucking farmboy beneath me and I slam into him over and over, losing myself. "God Clark, you're so fucking tight!" My hands are slipping, losing my grip on his hips because we are both so slippery with sweat. My thrusting is more erratic now, less controlled and I lose my girp on one side completely so I'm slamming into Clark at a slightly awkward angle. I must be hitting in just the right spot because Clark is thrashing about, his moans getting louder and more desperate.

"God Lex, I'm gonna come, I'm gonna..." He cries out in surprise as the orgasm hits him and sends his body into powerful convulsions as hot come pumps out of his untouched cock.

I desperately try to keep hold of Clark's hot, writhing body as my own orgasm builds. I close my eyes and throw my head back and cry out his name as the orgasm tears through me. I push as deep into Clark as possible and hold myself tight inside as I fill him with my own hot come, marking him mine.

With shuddering breaths, I collapse on top of Clark and we lay sweaty and panting in each other's arms.

"Oh my god, Lex! I had no idea that sex would be like this!"

"Neither did I." I manage to croak out.

Clark looks at me with surprise. "I thought that you...I mean...you've had sex before?" Even in the dim light, I can see his face flush red.

"Never like this before. That was definitely, without a doubt, the best sex that I've ever had."

His face lights up with that special 'Clark' million watt smile. "Really?"

"Really."

Clark strokes my naked scalp thoughtfully and the simple gesture sends deliscious shivers all through me.

"Are you sure you don't care that I'm an alien?"

"As long as you don't care that I'm a Luthor."

He chuckles and I feel the rumble of his laughter deep in his chest.

"Lex?"

"Hmmm..."

"I think I might be gay."

Now it's my turn to chuckle.

"Really, because after that, I'm almost positive that I am." I smile up at him and kiss him long and sweet.

We snuggle into one another's arms and I feel myself begin to drift off into sleep. Clark's voice reaches out to me through the heavy, dark haze of pre-sleep, "I love you, Lex Luthor."

I know I'm smiling. "I love you too, Clark Kent."

THE END


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